A Couple of Things Before the End Read online

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  Copyright © Sean O’Beirne 2020

  Sean O’Beirne asserts his right to be known as the author of this work.

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  9781760641283 (paperback)

  9781743821282 (ebook)

  Cover design by Peter Long

  Cover image © Trent Parke / Magnum Photos

  Text design and typesetting by Marilyn de Castro

  To Sall

  CONTENTS

  SCOUT

  ROYALS

  HOMAGE TO BARRY HUMPHRIES

  JACK

  NATHAN AND JORDAN

  FOOTY MYSTERIES

  MANDS ’88

  THE ANZAC SPIRIT

  THE POOFTER BUS

  TO SHEL, MOSTLY ABOUT MUM

  JULIAN, 11 AM

  A NIGHT WITH THE FELLAS

  CURRY

  NAURU

  LEADER

  WATER GIRL TY TUCKY

  MISSY

  BUNKER

  SCOUT

  Yeah I’m happy to talk about it. I think it’s good you’re trying to find blokes that were in it. What did I learn? What did I learn. Lemme think. Probably nothing. Nah, I’m only kidding. Quite a few knots, that’s for sure. Nah, to be fair, I think just – being outside. I take my own kids camping now and I don’t think I’d do that unless I’d had that experience in the Scouts. We didn’t camp as a family, my mum wouldn’t go it, she’s not gonna stay in some tent. Sometimes we’d go to a caravan park, but Dad, I don’t know what he wanted, probly to stay at home. But on weekends now, when I have the kids, we go up to Turra, or the Creskie National Park, we camp there. So, yeah. If it wasn’t for Scouts, I never would have got to swim in a freshwater creek, fry stuff up at night, roast potatoes in the fire. And shoot a lot a stuff. Yeah. We did shoot a lot of guns, which was unusual, even in those days, for a troop to go out shooting as much as we did. If we saw other troops, at something like the Queen’s Challenge or something, they never did anything with guns. But I think our troop was a bit more shooty, or there was a little bit of a gun culture there because our leader Sarge was a cop and Knotty the other leader he was a cop too. Lookin back, you wouldn’t let any of it happen now. On camp they used to just give us a couple a .22s and let us go for a walk. Me and this other kid Dean McLennan, we used to shoot birds, or one time up on some farm we shot these ceramic things, these weird sort of ceramic bulb things that were left up the top of a lot of these sort of old electricity poles. We were friggin lucky we didn’t shoot each other. Who gives a couple of fourteen-year-olds guns and says, ‘Boys, go for a walk’? I don’t know, it was the seventies, it was a different time. I do give them credit though. Like, at least we were there. Knotty had six kids, for fuck sake. I went to his house once, to help pick up some stuff I think, and he’s got all this Scout stuff, camping gear, and there’s kids everywhere and he had this big aviary out the back, all this netting, and he kept chooks loose in the backyard – the whole joint was just full of kids, chooks, tents, crap, more chooks, fuckin I don’t know. People did whatever they wanted back then. People were poorer but they had more stuff in a weird way. Knotty’s joint was huge. Dusty, but huge. I reckon he was quite mad, Knotty, the big mad bastard, he had all that goin, so many kids already, and he’s a cop, which would be a pretty full stressful day sometimes, and he’s doin all this extra stuff, takin a bunch a kids camping who are not even his. And Sarge too, Sarge was in the CID, I remember my mother being very impressed with that, he was a detective, but there he was, teaching a pack a dingaling kids how to build a fire. He was no fuckin fool too, we were scared a Sarge. He had this thing on camp where he would get very shitty if a kid had his hands in his pockets. Drove him nuts. Like, when we had jobs to do, putting up the tents, but some kid would be just thinkin about havin a Mars bar, you know, standin there with his hands in his pockets. And Sarge’d fuckin bellow at ya, you’d shit yourself, dreamy little idiot, and suddenly fuckin Sarge is there goin, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN STANDIN ROUND WITH YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS? He’d go apeshit, he’d really open it right out, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ONE BOY STANDING AROUND THIS CAMP WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS. And you’d fuckin pick up anything, pick up the same peg you just put down, pick up a leaf, just to make it look like you were doin somethin. Fuckin hell. You could imagine him yellin at his wife cause he found her in the fuckin kitchen with her hands in her fuckin pockets. Still. He did let us have shotguns. We shot shotguns, not just .22s. And a shotgun, that’s a big deal for a kid, that’s a big gun, they hurt your shoulder. And .303s, we shot .303s. They had a big cartridge – no, a shell, like a big brass shell. I still have some of them somewhere. And I’ve still got my little Scout shirt somewhere, Jesus. Little badges on it.

  Yeah, so the badges. I’m tryna remember, the badges were a big deal, that was most of it, like when we weren’t camping, you learnt to do these things, tie a knot, and you got the badges. We did the reef knot, the bowline. I could do the bowline. And we went to this thing called the Queen’s Challenge, which was a day out in some field somewhere, and you had to do things like build, no, tie, or lash all these poles together, like wooden poles, in a triangle, and make a thing, a, not a boat, fuck, I can’t even describe it – we made a pyramid. Out of wood. You lashed the poles together, doin all your knots, and you made a sorta three-dimensional triangle. And it was for survival. You made two of them, and you, like, the patrol, you all got up on one and then you positioned the other one in front, and then you all climbed over to the other one, onto that. And it was for survival. Now if you want to ask me in what emergency circumstance would you immediately build two large wooden pyramids, I don’t know. I think we were crossing a river? Or snakes. Snake infestation, you gotta get up higher, you need a pyramid. Though I spose the snakes’d get up there too, pretty fast, they’d be all over it, they’d love a wooden pyramid. Be like a fuckin play centre for those boys. So maybe just the river. Get across the river. It is strange to think it was like that stuff they make people do now on TV, like on those shows where people have to do stuff on an island. Survivor. This was a bit like Survivor except there were no celebrities and nobody won anything. We just did it, and then we had lunch.

  But most of it, I should say, most of it wasn’t the camps or something like the Challenge, most of it was just going to the hall on a Tuesday night. And you’d do the badges there. Or do activities, do stuff about wildlife, nature. I remember the hall, the Scout Hall, it was on Ealey Road, there was a big oval, and on the side there was a brown brick hall and that was the Scout Hall. It was just a wooden floor inside and a flagpole. And every Tuesday you’d get your uniform on, your hat, your woggle, all that, and Mum or Dad would drive me there. Funny to think of me in the front seat with all that on, me little scarf, me little hat, though the hat was quite big, had sort of a quite wide brim, like a little mini sombrero. All khaki, though, you’re in khaki. I’m twelve when I started, that’s when you start, twelve. But the Tuesday, the Tuesday started in front of the flagpole, and your patrol, which is six of you, all the patrols, you all line up in front of the flag and you put your stuff out for inspection. You had to put stuff on the floor. I can’t remember what it was, but it was all stuff a prepared boy would have. Because the Scout motto is ‘Be Prepared’. So, fuck knows, I don’t know. You had to have twenty cents for a phone call, that I remember. You put your twenty cents on the floor. To show you had it. And then after inspection there was a sort of a ceremony to do with the flag, you pulled a bit of rope and then the flag unfolded, unfurled, yeah, and you saluted. Cause there was a particular way you folded the flag up, the order, so it looked like a tiny neat little square, and you’d tuck the rope into that, so then if you gave the rope one tug, the flag would sorta jump right out and be there. And then you’d all salute. We’d all salute.

  It all sounds a bit bizarre now. Very military. I forgot about the flag. I suppose the guns were a bit military too, but not really in the way we used them. What else? Badges. Knots and badges I think we’ve covered. Wooden pyramids. I feel I should stress the incompetence of us as a troop. The leaders were good but us boys we were idiots. I remember us goin into this thing, like a checkpoint, on this hike where you had to do orienteering, have a compass, and pass through all these locations. And we get to the last one, the last location, and there’s these two old guys, old Scout leaders, packin up. Loadin their car. And they’re like: ‘Who are you?’ And we’re like: ‘Eighth Bundoora! Here to report!’ And they go: ‘It’s over. It finished an hour ago. Where have you been? Why are you still doing something when everyone else is done?’ But it wasn’t our fault! We got lost in this aqueduct thing. We thought it was a shortcut. It was all through the bush, this sort of concrete open tunnel thing. And we thought, Sweet! We wandered down that for about forty minutes eating fuckin Cheezels, but then it actually led us back into town. All these kids with their little backpacks on and compasses suddenly coming out of the bush and into the main road of Castlemaine and going, ‘Oh.’ So. Yep. I don’t think Sarge ever found out about
that one. I think the guy ticked us off so we officially finished. And then we just went really quickly to the carpark. Yep. Eighth Bundoora.

  And then I did see that bit where you go on to what’s after Scouts, like at fifteen you have to leave Scouts and if you want to go on, you go on to Venturers. Venturers is I think maybe fifteen to eighteen. But I do remember going up that night to Venturers, you just go up to have a look, it’s like a information night, and just thinking, Nup. There was one big gooney bloke, big tall gangly red-headed bloke, with his woggle on, eighteen years old, still in the Scouting movement, with his twenty cents on the ground, and even me, a dopey kid, I could tell that something had gone wrong. Venturers just felt like a room full of – something had gone wrong. Like already even in Scouts, by the time you were in high school, you didn’t exactly tell everyone what you were doin on a Tuesday night. And then three more years of that, with the gooney bloke. So that night I thought: Nup. That’s it. Thank you. And Dad said to me do you want to do karate.

  But listen. I don’t know who else you’re gonna talk to but, if you do find Knotty and Sarge, please do say hello from me? Sarge is probably in a nursing home by now. But if you do find them, say hello, if you see them both, do sort of say thank you, from me. Tell Sarge, tell Sarge to keep his hands out of his pockets.

  ROYALS

  THE ROYAL YEAR: A REVIEW

  This is our review Of The Year we are honest and welcome HONEST critics.

  DEC’ 2015

  United Australians For Constitutional Monarchy

  PO Box 4

  Chesil, Queensland, Australia, 4920

  Thank you again to supporters who enjoy the newsletters, this is the last for the year.

  OTHER Royal Groups Say We are Too Much.

  But there is a CRISIS Coming and we must Speak Out.

  “maxima fidei loquitur”

  “Loyalty Speaks The Loudest”

  The Queen

  No problems. The head of our country continues to give great value. You’ve got to hand it to her for complete consistency. 50+ years of her Reign & she’s still there. And She loves Australia, she has been here many times.

  Philip

  Some problems but containable. The Media commentary gave out the cry when PM Abbott said we’re going to have Australian Knights and the first one is Prince Philip. And it’s true some People said the criticisms to us, e.g: He’s too old, he’s not the Queen why are we giving it to him, it’s just confusing Sir Prince Philip what is that? And every time the News Media commentary brought up things he Philip has said, about Native People, Disabled People, Asian people, African people, and More that does create problems. Best is to keep the emphasis on: HE is not the Queen. And emphasis on Knights we like, Sir John Monash he was a Sir as was the female version Dame Nellie Melba.

  Charles.

  Discussed below.

  Camilla.

  Discussed below.

  Diana.

  Very beautiful but unfortunately “nuts.” Not a problem now of course.

  William and Kate.

  Beautiful couple. It would obviously be better if he didn’t look so very bald. This we can acknowledge “in house.” Outside the emphasis to be on Kate. She obviously very Healthy. Very Fit. And Good Posture.

  Prince Harry.

  It’s good he has stopped dressing up as a Nazi.

  George.

  Very good royal baby. Healthy.

  Charlotte the new baby.

  No problems.

  Threats

  Looking to The Road Ahead: When Charles becomes KING

  “Causa est non perdidi”

  “No Cause is Lost”

  We are meeting constantly throughout the year and We know people will show an enthusiasm gap here and we need YOUR ideas.

  Situation: Recent Surveys and predictions are not good as members will know Graeme (Lib) has seen private polling and Lorraine (Tas. Lib.) also did volunteer work at Lib headquarters on plebiscite matters (“gay” marriage) and did polling on other Questions and she has confirmed figures post ERII are “the pits”.

  We appeal to all members and interested parties to PLEASE help us as time is TICKING AWAY.

  The numbers are in, and a Queen gone world is a “difficult” one for us, Charles is THE threat now (Nature /“Medicine” /Natural Therapies /Lots About Architecture /Personal “look” wrong+There’s Camilla) and we must “get through” as best we can.

  It will be a short reign but we must minimise the damage. Clearing ground for William and emphasis on Kate, and George (ie: the next Generation with More Royal Babies to come. George will produce at 25 or in late 20s worse case scenario (2040).

  Members! Fight! for your Kings of the Future.

  MERRY XMAS *** MERRY XMAS *** MERRY XMAS ***

  HOMAGE TO BARRY HUMPHRIES

  Tuesday, 15th July, 1958

  Departure Day

  Long morning worrying about my cabin trunk. Found my gloves. Mother awful on dock. Mother at me. Asking me three times if I’d written to Murray. I did not write to Murray! I did not write to Murray! I have not SEEN Murray for SIX MONTHS mother. Dear O my Mother I will not marry Murray Faulkner and O my Mother that means I will now be condemned to be all my life a sales girl at Foys. Well, I am going to London. Dad said really nothing all day but gave me £10. Poor Dad.

  On board at 8pm. Mother and Dad, Uncle Donald and June, the McGraths, Andersons and my lovely Bib. Uncle Donald gave me a fountain pen. Bib went down with Daddy to throw streamers. All off ship at 10:30. I couldn’t see Bibby, she was too small. Last thing I saw was Uncle Donald pointing and pointing at me or the air I didn’t know what, then I thought Oh it’s the pen, he’s saying use the pen. I did the pen back to him and he did it to me and then thank goodness there was the horn and we started going.

  Wednesday, July 16th

  Sad about my Bib. Told myself buck up. Ship is nice. Cabin 116/117 ‘E’ deck. Sharing with two girls, one Marion, snores. Other girl Eloise very pretty, going to England to marry English boy who she met at Imperial Wool. Broke strap on my sandal already first day. There is a shop here so let’s see. Wore the black courts, not too bad. But you can get bags, shoes, manicures everything on board Eloise says. Then the sensation was - I saw passenger list 1st Class, I knew nobody of course, but in Tourist I saw Mr and Mrs B. Humphries and thought it can’t be Barry, but it was. In Main hall, I saw a v thin man going into the public rooms, with hair down to his shoulders. I knew who that was! I went up and he surprised. I think nervous? But nice. I think I was too gay with him and did the talking that mother hates so, had mother’s voice in my head of course but I really thrilled to see him its just so wonderful another theatre person is here. I said about the Tivoli ‘Arms and the Man’ being so awful and he agreed. And the whole company being so much worse since Reg took over. And ‘Mr D’Artagnan’ even more stinking and those songs. So its beaut we’re talking away and then comes his second wife!!!! Rosalind, v tall, New Zealand. Where is Brenda I don’t know. I v surprised New Zealand bc Barry was always so mean about New Zealand people, and lo he says he sorry but Rosalind can only speak ‘New Zealand dialect’!! He is mad. What a thing to say about your wife. She laughed so maybe its alright.

  Thursday, July 17th

  Breakfast - porridge. You can have eggs or toast or anchovy toast.

  Dinner - cold meat and salad. Jam roly poly.

  Pretty breezy on deck.

  Supper - grilled fish with chipped potatoes.

  Cards Eloise.

  Saturday, July 19th

  Breezy but a little less.

  Went to the Sports deck didn’t stay.

  Cards Eloise.

  Sunday, July 20th

  Bored already. The ocean.

  Tuesday, July 22nd

  Tea with Eloise and Mr and Mrs Phillip Heygate.

  Wednesday, July 23rd

  Breakfast - porridge.

  Went to try find Barry. Should explain to dear Diary. As important perhaps for the future. Barry Humphries is an actor and he is an artist from Melbourne whom I know just a little because I was with him as a fellow actor when the Union Theatre Society did its production of ‘The Twelfth Night’. And I was Olivia and Barry was Orsino. He is v eccentric and can be bad.